Archive | May 2012

From High School Nerd to Vegas Showgirl

I grew up watching ‘Saved By The Bell’. I loved it and still do, I’ll watch it if it’s on. I still know the opening song. To me that show was just awesome. I still can relate to story lines that appeared on the show and I was years behind the characters age wise. I didn’t start high school until the 2000’s but so much of the show stayed true.

My favourite character was Lisa, she wasn’t like me but that’s part of that I liked. I was a tomboy, she a fashionista. It didn’t matter, I liked her. I liked that she wasn’t like me, I was always closer to Jesse. Which is why I’m writing this.

Since we had the four month immunizations and the resulting fever there were more and longer naps this weekend. To kill some of those hours since Daddy was doing overtime I watched a couple movies. I finally saw ‘The Help’ and of course it was fantastic, and reminds me how truly greatful I am to live in an age where that sort of discrimination is no longer condoned or tolerated, although I am in Canada and not the South.That’s not what I’m writing about really. I’m writing about ‘Showgirls’.

All I could think as the end credits started to roll was ‘Jesse Spano, I’ll never forgive you for crapping all over ‘Saved By The Bell’ by being in this garbage.’ Really, that’s my Facebook status at the moment. Ironically ‘Showgirls’ was sort of the actresses ‘I’m free!’ movie, coming out as an adult actor and no longer a teen sensation.

What a come out. Tits and Ass all up in my face, like every 5 minutes or so. I started to feel like I was watching a wannabe artistic porn. It was that bad. All I kept thinking was ‘Tsk tsk, what would Slater say’ or ‘Good grief, put it away!’. Sometimes it was something more innocent, I did notice the entertainment director or whatever was the villan from the original Flinstone’s movie, again another childhood memory Boobed and Assed up for me.

Nudity doesn’t bother me normally. I don’t mind when it has a point or carries the story further, but this just seemed gratuitous. Women being naked for the sake of being naked. I know it’s an ‘R’ rated movie and about Vegas Showgirls, I know. But geez, the story itself was pretty awful too. Again, like a wannabe artisy porn, trying to class themselves up with tension filled scenes and bad dialogue.

It hurt. It hurt in that part of your heart where you hold treasured childhood memories. Like someone had taken a lit match to a few of them. Funny thing is I’ve been watching the CSI: Miami episodes with Elizabeth Berkley as Horatio’s ex-girlfriend, and she reminds me of a grown up conniving Jesse. I like it and the actress but I hate that I went and spent nearly 2.5 hours that I can never get back on that wasted strip of film.

This isn’t a movie synopsis or a compare and contrast or a critique. This is just me venting online without Trolling IMDB forums about how bad I thought the movie was and how it stomped on one of my favourite childhood shows. I know some people like/love it, why else would there be those special edition boxes at the store, but I am not one of them and fully intend on going the rest of my natural life without ever seeing it again if I can. If I wanted to see that much Tits and Ass I would have just stood in front of a mirror naked, probably would have been less disappointing stretch marks and all. And, as a parent I fully agree with Chris rock when he said ‘ I realize my only job in life is to keep her off the pole. Keep my baby off the pole!’

Introducing The Minions

In a couple of posts now I’ve mentioned Maddie’s minions, our cats. Yes, Cats as in plural, we have 3. Yes, 3. Beleive me it wasn’t the plan and sometimes we still shake or scratch our heads wonderingly at how it came to be. We don’t regret it but it definitely has been a hassle at times. Since they’ll continue to have a presence in our life and my blog it’s time to introduce the minions.

Bright-Eyes: She was our first and is the oldest of the bunch. Her nick name is Boss Bitch. When ‘C’ and I moved in together we knew we wanted a cat. We also knew we wanted to adopt one. We found Bright-Eyes at the shelter. We both wondered around on our own and if we found a cat we liked we agreed to get the other. ‘C’ found her, they fell in love with each other immediately. When we got her she was 8 years old and had been at the shelter for a year. A year. Do you know what happened in that year? They let her literally DOUBLE her weight. Her records show she was admitted at 11 lbs and we took her home at 22.

We spent almost 2 years slowly and safely lowering her weight and it wasn’t enough. She started getting sick and in a month went from 17.5 lbs down to 11.4. I’m sure if we hadn’t gotten her to the vets when we did and they weren’t so quick in diagnosing her she would have died. Our Bright-Eyes had developed diabetes from the extreme weight she’d been carrying around. It’s been almost 3 yrs since then and she’s a lot better. She’d been so sick there was muscle damage in her hind legs, it’s now gone. We still give her  2 insulin needles a day and so far will have to do so until she passes, although her need for it keeps dropping and the amount keeps getting lower. Fingers crossed.

Her nick name says it all. She’s the biggest of the three and oldest and since she was first we make it plain she’s higher up in out family ‘pack’. It makes it easier for all of us, especially her since she was declawed by her original owner and the others aren’t.

Pixie-Poo: She was the second. Yes, by the way that is her real name, her nick name being Pixie-Poo Princess. A year or so after we had adopted Bright-Eyes one of our neightbours told us during the day they could hear her howling for most of the time she was alone. They thought she might be lonely. We’d originally been told she couldn’t have other pets due to her aggresiveness but came to learn the shelter had put a strange cat in a cage with her, of course she freaked out. I would. Anyways, we decided to find a little friend for her.

We got Pixie too early, she was only 5 weeks, but it was a now or never situation as the owner of her mother had told us if we didn’t take her home she and any other kittens would end up ina box outside at the end of the weekend. Awful right. So we took both Pixie and her sister whom my best friend ended up taking. Honestly, it took about 2 weeks of careful watching between their interactions before Pixie wasn’t being hissed at or swatted, but after that they started cuddling and still do.

Pixie is the quietest and the shy one. She’s our princess kitty for sure. She also happens to be the middle in terms of size.

Soda-Pop: I know, I know, we have a thing for hyphenated names. She’s the youngest and the smallest.  We ended up with her by pure fluke. Poor evil little bigger. She was a kitten on the road I saw on my way home from visiting friends. I know she wasn’t owned as she was tiny and covered in street muck. She’s the puppy dog of the bunch. Always on the go and fiesty. Drives us crazy at times, but we still love her.

I imagine some people are wondering how we manage with them, but really they are now a set. Bonded. On any given day you’ll find a mix and match of the three ciddled up together or even all three of them on the bed together. they like to be near us, the baby and each other. When we take one to the vet the others cry for them. When we bring them home they welcome the other back. It’s funny and sweet.

Why do I call them the minions? ever since they’ve become used to the baby they adore her. They like being near her and become upset when she cries. Not the usual ‘Oh shut that annoying hairless thing up’ upset, but they actually come up for whomever is holding the baby and meow at us in an accusatory fashion. They’re pissed we upset her and thus upset them. They also like to lie near her at night, always sleeping where they can see her or as close to her bed as possible without being in it, they know better. They even come and play with her when she’s on her floor mats.

We never intended to end up with 3 cats but now we wouldn’t change it for anything. They make our apartment a home and give the baby someone other then me to gurgle at during the day. It’s company and comfort for us all.

Four Month Immunization

So, yesterday was our four month check-up and for Maddie her immunization shots. Out appointment was for mod afternoon so we visited my best friend and god-daughter for the morning first. Was just a relaxing time watching her 14 month old be mesmerized by the baby. She kept wanting to pet her and help bury her. Very cute.
At the doctors office we did a run down of all that had gone on since our last visit a month ago. Including asking them to double check her head after her Maddie bumped it Wednesday while practicing sitting up. If you’ve read my previous post you know I had a troller, contrary to their ignorant beliefs the doctor said she was fine and that it was not a concern since it was such a short distance (less then 6 inches). They said anything higher then her height or if the baby has any of the warning signs is when to bring them to be checked immediately, otherwise they cannot do anything more than what Mom and Dad can at home. After that we did the strip down and weigh in and then her measurements. She’s still on the petite side but since her doctors have adjusted her due date making her almost 4 weeks early she’s almost right on track. They were also very impressed with how well Maddie is doing with all her infant milestones so far, saying she’s a bit ahead in some areas.
My family practice is very pro breast feeding and when we had all our problematic early on with matching and then the illness they fully did not expect her to still be exclusively on breast milk. When they found out she was they were very impressed and stressed not supplementing with anything if possible until 6 months. We were told to for now ignore the well meaning advice of doing so for longer night sleeps and weight gain.
Weight: 12 lbs 7 oz
Height: 59 cm
After all of that came needle time. Our practice does both needles at the same time. Last shots Maddie was lying on the table, this time they had me hold her. Another doctor came in and each had a needle in one hand held onto one of her little legs with the other. It was quick. She shrieked bloody murder at me and them. I’m so glad that by doing them together I didn’t have to calm her down after one to have them repeat with the second one when she would still be upset and tense. She ended up crying more yesterday for her needles then when she booked her head.
While we waited the 15 minutes afterwards to see about any allergic reactions the doctor and I discussed some issues with the C-section and some concerns about nerve damage, but until 12 months later we agreed not to worry over much. After all, they say it take 12-18 months to truly recover from pregnancy and birth.
We came straight home once we were dismissed and Maddie was great for the first few hours and then got the fever and fussy reaction some babies have. Nothing serious but enough she’s been riding the line of miserable and tolerable. We’ve been doing infant Tylenol only as she needs it.
Hopefully in the morning she’ll be fully recovered and ready for family brunch before her Daddy starts mid nights Sunday. I have to say even though she won’t remember anus of this when she’s older I was so proud of how she handled it at the doctors office. Yes, she cried and screamed a bit but within 10 minutes she was not only over the tears but smiling at both doctors and gurgling at them. Apparently she’s not one to hold grudges.
One last thing that I learned yesterday but hasn’t really got anything to do with my family so far. Did anyone know that doctors discovered a baby had a tumor in one eye when the babies picture appeared in the newspaper and one eye didn’t javelin that red reflection. Medical professionals have discovered that if one eye has a reflection and thwarting other meant at the same angle its a tumor. Who knew pictures could literally save your eyesight or life.

Internet Trolls

Don’t you love internet trolls? You know the ones I mean, who scan a post or forum and try to say the most offensive and hurtful things they can think of without paying the slightest bit of attention to your back story or comments? I see them all the time on other sites and low and behold I got my first one on here today.
All comments on my blog have to be approved by me before they are seen by others. I approved this one just so people could see their online bullying and my response. I don’t really care what they think in the end of it all because my family and our care givers are all fully aware of what happens in our household.
If you want to read it check out the comments on my post ‘I could use a stiff drink’.
What do you think? Was I too harsh? Am I really endangering my child? Does it seem like I’m doing it all on purpose?
And if dear Troll you decide to write again take heed. I fully intend on responding in a similar manner to the tone of voice I read in all future comments. I’ll also always approve them and put them on display along with my reply.
Have a good day and bugger off Troll. Everyone else, I hope you have a lovely weekend with your friends and families.

Crude Humour

I like crude humour. Yes indeed I do. I can’t say why for certain but I do. It makes me laugh and giggle and sometimes choke on whatever I happen to have in my mouth… Hopefully something edible. Maybe it’s from the fact that I grew up in a house with my Dad and 2 brothers or that I was a tomboy with lots of guy friends or maybe it’s just because I was ‘Born This Way’ (points if you know where that’s from). Anyways, crude humour is one of my favourite guaranteed laugh points, along with off kilter and dry humour.
Very little about this predominantly male oriented genre bothers me. I know, I know..  It can be very sexist at times but I’m secure enough in my self worth to know if a man treated me so shabbily I would end up the abuser not the abused. I find the women tend to fall very predictably into the classical archetypes while the men are given a much broader scope, but as I said I ignore it and just enjoy.
I know most of you are probably nodding and pretending to believe me all while really not. So I can offer up a bit of proof.
Porky’s is one of my favourite high school set comedies. Its old by most movie standards but still quite raunchy. Really. I still crack up at the scene in the principals office scene after the penis grab. Its too much. Or the prostitute prank and ‘Lassie’s’ big howl. It’s just a silly dirty comedy with lots of laughs.
There’s nudity too. Does it bother me? Meh, not so much. As long as my crude laughs don’t become a grimace of distaste at the sudden switch of theme to porn nudity is ok by me. I mean, sometimes I’m jealous of all those slim women with perky perfect breasts, especially post baby, but then I remember my parents and kids won’t ever see my naked business up on some screen.
Where’s this going you’re asking yourself. Well, tonight after Maddie was asleep we decided to watch ‘The Change Up’ with Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. It’s just the sort of raunchy comedy I like. It won’t ever win any awards and probably won’t ever become a better know piece of work from either man, but it was definitely enjoyable and funny. I don’t believe in giving away endings or kept plot lines but it was a great way to kill 2 hrs before bed with ‘C’. Gonna have to find a new crude comedy to check out soon since aside from stand up it provides the most laughs in a smaller time frame.

The Kind Of Gross and Definately Gross Gross Things Parents Do

As I kid I can remember HATING when Mom or Dad would lick their thumb and rub on a spot of dirt I was sure only they could see. I can also remember them holding the kleenex in front of me and saying ‘Blow’ or watching them lift my baby brother up in the air and sniffing his bum. I also remember thinking ‘Gross! I’m never gonna do any of that when I have kids.’ Now to be fair my daughter is definately not old enough for me to have done most of these but I will admit to sniffing the butt, it’s the fastest way to tell when they’re fully dressed. So thinking bacl on my valiant parents and all the kind of gross and definately gross things they have done I decided I would write about them and the ones I imagine I will have to do myself along with the ones I’ve done already. So here’s a starter list, wanna add to it please feel free if I miss something.

The Kind of Gross and Definately Gross Things Parents Do:

1. Diaper Sniffing. When you’re out and baby is strapped into their stroller or car seat it can be such a hassle trying to dig around and look into the diaper to check if that ‘pfft’ you heard was the real deal or a warning to see if we’re on our game. So, to save time and the effort of un-doing all the clips and snaps we sniff the bum area. I have totally done this, and in public. I don’t mind but I remember think it was so nasty when my parents did it. Oh the things you do for your progeny and their bottom comfort.

2. Picking Their Nose. That’s right. You will pick your baby/child’s nose. In fact, I know someone who actually sucked out a booger with their mouth once when their child was very stuffed up. I haven’t done that but when Maddie was very sick with RSV and her nose was so congested she literally couldn’t breathe we did get one of those Hydrasense things that go in babies nose and you suck on the end of a hose. Even now that she’s better I find myself still pulling out boogers, she’s just a snotty kid I guess.

3. Wearing Vomitty clothes. Yep, as a Dad or Mom, you’ll end up sporting the latest in baby and toddler vomit as a part of your fashion statement. No matter how much you plan for it or how quick your reflexes, it won’t ever be enough, they are little Houdini’s of findinf ways to get it on you without your knowledge. And as they get a little older, yeah, they think it’s funny. That new shirt or dress you were so excited to wear? Barf! Giggle giggle giggle.

4. Poop on Your Hands. Oh yes, and sometimes it seems like it’s EVERYWHERE! There will come a day when that cute little baby you love so very much will have an exploding diaper. Poop will be all up in their business, up their back, down their legs and even all over that adorable belly button. What are you gonna do? Leaave them? Nope, and even if you stick them under a faucet first to get it off it’ll end up on you. Maybe even places other then your hands, like your cheek or arms.

5. Put a Fallen Soother in Your Mouth Straight from the Ground. Yeah, and i don’t mean your recently washed floor. Baby is crying something fierce, driving you insane and that soother you just popped in their little mouth will go flying and since humans only have 2 hands it hits the ground. By ground I mean concrete, or park grass. You don’t know what’s been there ever let alone recently and no where around you is anything to clean it with. Baby keeps crying and you know deep down it won’t stop until the soother is blocking their screams or they exhaust themselves crying. What are you going to do? I haven’t been here yet, but I know that all of my parent friends and even old employers have all done this at least once.

6. Your Meal is Their Leftovers. That’s right. The burger with toddler spit on it and the matching carrot sticks are all yours to finish. So what if you can see little finger holes in the bun and teeth marks on the carrots. At least it’s good portion control.

7. Thumb Face Wash. Says it all. I remember being so embarassed when I got one because it always seemed to be in front of people. I remember swearing I wouldn’t do it. I lied. I have and will again, but I’ll try to restain myself from spit hair gel.

8. Dirty Hand Holding. Little prince or princess has been digging in the dirt or sandbox and comes running back to you with a surprise (Hopefully not cat poop from the sand box). They’ll either want you to hold it for them or take your hand and shows you where they found it. Either way something dirty is going to end up in you hand for awhile.

I know there are many more but baby woke up and it’s time for food.