Seperation Anxiety

This past Saturday night I went away for the night… overnight… without Little Miss tagging along. She stayed home with her Daddy for the night. It was literally the first time I have been away from her for longer then 6 hours since she was born. It ended up a total of 18 hours. I wasn’t thrilled to be doing, I was happy to be able to go to Bestie’s for the night and not have to worry about TTC subway or buses and making for I got home in time to pump or not to drink too much because Little Miss needed a bottle but I missed her like crazy. I spent a decent chunk of the evening compulsively checking my phone for messages from ‘C’ and actually getting a little miffed when he didn’t answer even though I knew he was sleeping.

Saturday night was for us a ‘dry run’ for this coming weekend. This weekend Little Miss and I were going to heading to Daddy Bear’s for a wedding and Chan-man and I had just picked up our train tickets for super cheap when I got a call from ‘C’. The same day as the wedding some of his family from Ireland will be over and they are doing a family get together. Little Miss was kind of expected to be there. A lot of people have yet to meet her and those who have haven’t seen her in awhile. We had a bit of a conundrum. I can’t return or exchange my train tickets and wouldn’t for this anyways since I’d R.S.V.P’d to the wedding and it’s an old family friend, I also haven’t seen Daddy Bear or my step mother in a couple of months. We decided to figure it out when he arrived home.

Once ‘C’ was home and had settled in for the day we got to talking. A serious talk on the pros and cons of if Little Miss stayed vs. came with me. ‘C’ works fully time and has to be up pretty early during the week and Little Miss is still up 1-2 times a night for a feeding. He has maybe only ever woken up with her 2-3 times through all this. Usually when I’m trying to get a bottle ready and for her it isn’t fast enough. There was even a time I was in the kitchen comforting her while she cried and trying to warm her bottle that he came out and held his hands towards me. I thought he was offering to take her and mumbled ‘thanks’ or something along those lines and helf her out to him. He looked me dead in the ey and did one of those snort laughs and walked past me to the fridge before shuffling back to bed. He doesn’t even remember doing this. ‘C’ is a heavy sleeper, that was my biggest worry leaving Little Miss behind followed by his fear of baby poop. Our theory is that even subconsciously ‘C’ knows I’m there to deal with the baby so he can fall into a deeper sleep with no worry about her safety, we had no way of verifying until we tried it. We decided before I could leave him alone with her for a full weekend comfortably or if he could handle it we needed to know if overnight was manageable for him.

So, I left our place around 4:15 Saturday afternoon. I was only going to Bestie’s for the night and could be home in a reasonable amount of time if need be; this way I got to visit and hang out to help distract me and ‘C’ knew I was reachable if it got to be too much. I brought my pump with me and simply pumped and dumped, there were extra bottles in the fridge I had made Saturday morning since we knew we were attempting this. Other then one crying jag just after bedtime ‘C’ said it all went pretty well, he woke up with her twice and fed and all was well. She didn’t poop for or on him at all and only spit up at one point in the evening, although it was almost a whole bottle. He told me he was tired but feels like he accomplished something big and it makes him feel like he can be a better dad knowing if he had to he could care for her while I’m away.

We had brunch planned with my Mama Sunday morning so I was up and out and we all met up at 10 at Hey Lucy’s on Bloor st. After family time we c ame home and talked more in depth about this coming weekend now that we knew it was going to happen. So, this weekend I will be leaving ‘C’ and Little Miss Friday and not returning until Sunday evening. I’m excited and yet I know I’m going to be constantly worry and miss them. People keep saying it will be a nice break for me from Little Miss and mooyhood but I really don’t think I’ll be able to fully relax since I won’t be able to hold her or comfort her or just watch Little Miss while she’s sleeping. I know I’ll still have a good time seeing family and friends which is important and sometimes hard to do for new parents, I just wish I wasn’t going to be so far away for this first real seperation.

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