Tag Archive | birth

No Longer A Baby


Little Miss is no longer a baby. She’s offically a toddler now. Its both thrilling and heartbreaking to me. So much has changed since C and I brought her home as a tiny new born who was 100% dependant on us to keep her safe, happy and whole.

The journey Little Miss and I took to get her out safely was a long and often scary road. I had contractions at 20 weeks and then a placental abruption at 26, causing a week long stay at Sunnybrook Hospital in the high risk unit until we were stablized.  Once i was released i was on modified bedrest until my water broke at 36 weeks. Even my labour was unusual.

My water broke and there were no contractions for another 4 hrs, then they went from 20 minutes to 2 minutes apart in an hr. I had always told myself when I went into labour I wanted everything to quickly and would use mind over matter to ensure it happened. Didn’t work. Little Miss went into fetal distress and we ended up having an emergency C-section. It was not an easy time for our family. Even the first few weeks post birth were rough with serious medical issues.

When I look back on it all would I change anything? No, because every single one of those moments good or bad have helped shape who Little Miss is as a person and our relationship with her. I wish things had been more easy but not at the risk our family wouldn’t be where it is today.

Every new accomplishment is exciting and something we look forward to witnessing. Even the simple little things like figuring out to push a button a particular way if fascinating to me. Terrifying as well at time but fascinating too. A perfect example of this mixture or awe and fear would be the stairs. Little Miss is a stair climbing pro now and has decided this means she wants to learn how to descend them as well, not on her bum but standing like we do.

I can only imagine what the next year or 5 years or even 10 years wilk bring (probably a lot of grey hairs) but I can wait to see where it all takes us. This is the most important journey we’re taking in our lives; raising a child, and I’m so honoured and proud to have Little Miss as my daughter.



This video is causing a bit of a controversy in Toronto at the moment because the founder Humanize Birth rights group, Kalina Christoff, says it’s inapporpriate. As some one who had a high risk pregnancy resulting in having to spend a week at Sunnybrook in their High Risk unit as well as labouring there and then having an emergency C-Section at Sunnybrook I personally am going to support it and stand up for it. I think it’s funny and silly. I dealt with the people at the hospital frequently throughout the entirety of my third trimester and they were wonderfully compassionate and caring. This video is just a project done by students at the University of Toronto and never was meant to be harmful. Having a baby is life changing and can be terrifying for some people given the circumstances, to me this video shows that the people who spend their days saving lives/bringing life into being have a sense of humour. That’s important to me because as serious a giving birth is there are moments of ridiculousness as well during the process and seeing them appreciate and acknowledge it means they are more in touch with the reality of birth than some people are.

Watch and enjoy or don’t. I enjoy and hope you do too but if not I’m sorry you disagree.

My Post Pregnancy Reflections

This Friday will be Maddie’s 4 month birthday. As it approaches I can’t help but look back on all the worries and upsets as well as happy moments we had to get here. For one so small and young she’s already had quite an adventure packed life. I also reflect on the pregnancy itself. Everyone has their favourite and least favourite things about carrying a munchkin. I figure I’ll air mine out, but I’ll try not to cheat and use the high risk factors, sticking to more common pregnancy experiences I had.

My Top Five Pregnant Experiences

1. I’m gonna cheat a little and say the moment it was over and even in my heavily drugged and groggy state hearing her cry. It was just such a feeling of relief and happiness to know she was here and from what I could hear the nurses and ‘C’ saying that she was ok. After all we’d been through to get there it was definately the best thing.

2. Finding out she was a girl finally. We wanted to know and kept asking but she was a tricky little miss. Shy and sneaky. We ended up not knowing for sure until we were 27 weeks and got a 4D scan. I can remember telling the tech I was pregnant and a bit crazy and wouldn’t leave the table if they didn’t tell me. Then to see her sleeping and fluttering about know she was a she, it was amazing.

3. How it felt to have a baby inside and moving. I never got the whole foot in the rib cage thing. I got a tiny little heart shaped bum constantly nestled in that base of my ribs so her little tush was a visable little bump on my belly. Sometimes annoying but super cute and much more preferable to feet and hands in my diaphragm. I still to this day to calm her pat her bum when she upset, a habit I developed from her love of booty popping. Of course there were the odd kicks to the vagina, but you gotta take the good with the bad movement wise.

4. My skin. I got to be one of the lucky ones who had the ‘glow’ and no acne. Even when I was at my worst and having all the complications I at least had nice skin and didn’t look like a total wreck when I was lucky enough to have someone take me out for air or to an appointment.

5. My weight gain. I know it isn’t always something women can help in either direction but I’m so glad I didn’t gain too much or not enough. Although I didn’t gain the way most do I gained a healthy amount and was lucky enough to no get it all over. I got a super high belly and a bit in my thighs and hips.

My Top Five Least Favourite Things About Pregnancy

1. The morning sickness. It was relentless. I had a 1.5 monnth reprieve from it. That was it. I was nauseous all the time even with the pills and gravol inbetween. I threw up at the least oppertune times. I remember shoving a women off the bus because she wouldn’t move fast enough and it was that or throw up all over her. I was even throwing up while in labour. Let me tell you I don’t miss it at all.

2. The stretch marks. I was doing pretty well on this front until I was put on the modified bed rest then they seemed to explode. I’m still dealing with them of course, but mostly I wouldn’t be as bothered with some weren’t so bad. A few are really big and deep. As in the hurt as they came in and still do occasionally.

3. Breast pain. This was not fun. They ached on and off through out my whole pregnancy. I never had swelling but ‘C’ couldn’t touch them, I couldn’t touch them. They just hurt.

4. Constipation and gas. Oh so unsexy. Really. You want to poop regularly? Lots of greens and fiber, but they give you more gas. It was a lose-lose it felt like at times. The constipation at least can be kept private and something you mostly can deal with at home. Not so much for gas. Try as I might it isn’t something that runs on a schedule. You’re going to be out and about and it’s going to sneak up on you and escape at some point when you do have a chance to hide. Hoepfully it isn’t as you boss is walking by behind you… Awkward!

5. Cheating a little again… The blood spotting. It was terrifying. Really if I was being honest it would probably be number one but since it was a symptom of my abruption it in itself wasn’t terrible. It kept me on my toes and worried constantly. That whole bleeding for several weeks post birth thing didnm’t faze me at all, that was normal at least.

There of course are more on both sides but these are the biggest that come to mind. Looking back on some of them I smile and others still give me the heeby jeebies or that slightly quesy feeling. But they are all a part of miracle making. Every morning I look down at the beautiful human being that’s part of me and part of her Daddy and can’t believe she’s ours, here and doing so well now. She truly is a gift.

The Princess Has Arrived

So once again it’s been a bit since I last posted but things got a little crazy. I remember writing about how I was going to start trying those ‘tips’ for encouraging labour from online… Never got to try any out.

Last Tuesday afternoon ‘C’ started his night shifts and a girl friend who is 16 weeks aong now in her pregnancy came over. We planned on watching a movie and having pizza and just gabbing and chatting obsessively about babies and pregnancy. We did all of those things, including joking about me going into labour while she was over or very soon anyways. This was decided to possibly happen soon since that morning I’d had a dream I had gone into labour and awoke in the push position. Weird I know.

Anyways, we spent several happy hours thusly and around 9pm she had to head home. I waddled with her to her car and told her to at least text me so I knew she arrived safely. Then I waddled, huffed and puffed my way up to the apartment. I puttered around and did a few dishes while feeling restless the whole time. I got a text around 9:30pm letting me know she was home safe and sound and we kept on texting. I was alos lying on the loveseat and surfing online when all of the sudden I felt a squirt between my legs. Anyone whose been very pregnant knows it can be hard to gauge bathroom necessity, so my first thought was ‘Oh no! I peed myself’. I jumped up and while trying to clench desperately and rush to the washroom it kept coming. While leaking through my second pair of panties I decided it was definately my water had broken, but I was still contraction free. As I mentioned in previous posts I`ve not had the easiest pregnany so I called ‘C’ and got his voicemail. I hung up and sent him a text saying ‘I think my water broke’ and while waiting for a reply called the hospitals materinty triage.

The triage took my information and number and said the Dr would call me back with what they wanted me to do. While I waited ‘C’ walked in the door, aqbout 7 minutes after I sent the text. My first thought was ‘Wow, that was quick getting home’. So I asked if he’s gotten my text. He got a deer in the head lights look and checked his phone. I could tell when he’d finished reading because his eyes rolled, he swayed and then he started running around like a chicken with no head jibbering about everything he still needed to do and pack. Finally I told him to take a shower since he wouldn’t get another chance until after thw birth.

The triage called back and told us even though there were no contractions they thought it was safest if I came in sooner than later. I got the mister out of the shower and figured I should follow suit and had just a quick one while he packed some things for himself in my nag that had been sitting by the door for the last few weeks. Finally we headed to the hospital.

We walked into the triage right around 12am Wednesday morning and they had me on a bed and a Dr in the room within 5 minutes. They did a quick internal to verify my water had broken and waited to see if contractions had started. At this point I still had none so they decided to induce me. I was moved into a delivery room and ironically enough contractions started just before 1am. They were about 18-20 minutes apart but quite intense. They called the anesthesiologist in to go over an epidural with me. I wanted drugs, I don’t mind some pain but I’m not a glutton for it, pfft, I so wanted drugs, so the Dr said he was going to get the paperwork and get set up and we would started the epidural around 2am.

By the time he was back and we were ready to start my contractions had gone from 18 minutes to literally 2 minutes apart and I hadn`t been induced yet. They hurt like a B*tch let me tell you. They also made it extra work to get the epidural done since they were coming so frequently and you have to stay as still as possible in a hunched over position for the needle. It took about 45 minutes to get it done due to them and I was exhausted by then. I`d been up since 5:30am Tuesday morning and it takes a lot of effort and will to sit still during a contraction. I remember shutting my eyes and just breathing deeply for several minutes c alming myself and going over some meditatons I had learnt in a pain management course.

All of the sudden I heard monitors beeping loudly and a nurse and Dr rushing around and speaking medicalese at eachother while they handed `C`an oxygen mask and told him to hold it over my face. I had no clue what was happening only that it was obviously bad. They started rolling me from side to side and then pushing on my belly before finally positioning my legs around like I was a gymnist and having to go in and put a monitor in the babies head internally while trying to apparently get her breathing right again. It turns out something in the labour was either hurting her or causing distress and her heartrate would start to bottom out. They still aren`t exactly sure why this happened. It also stopped my dilation, I`d been at 4cm before this happened and when they checked after her heartrate settled it was no longer progressing.

Over the next 7.5 hours this bottoming out would happen 5 more times going for longer and causing the Dr`s to have to go to greater lenths to get her back to a safe rate and pace, while also causing my dilation to regress. Terrifying when you think about it really. Finally one of the Dr`s came in and told us essentially we had a 3-5% chance of having everything get better and having a vaginal birth but they thought a C-Section would be best. They told us we could say `yes`then and we would go into the OR within the next hour or so and `C`would be allowed with me and I would still be awake. They warned us that if we decided to wait it out hoping for the best and her heartrate dropped again they would have to to an emergancy C-Section in which they would have to put me fully under and `C` wouldn`t be allowed in the OR due to the seriousness to the situation… Guess what option we went with.

So we were having a C-Section now. They were correct in it only taking about an hour before were were being led into the OR. I went in first and they upped my epidural to completely numb me from the chest down while strapping my onto the bed with my arms outspread like something out of an episode of Greys Anatomy. Finally it was time to start and `C`was led in. I was groggy for this part but still aware, just heavy feeling. I remember hearing her frst cries and thinking `Thank goodness!` before they started to evacuate the placenta and whatever else they do down there. Unfortuntaley it started to burn and I mean BURN, as in think of the worst sunburn you`ve ever had and imagine someone walking up to you and full tilt smacking it, but deep inside as well as outside.

They had to up the drugs greatly which threw me for a wicked loop. I remember feeling like things were in super slow motion and at one point trying to say to the Dr `I`m high as shit.`which I was told later I said 7-8 times causing the nurses to giggle. My drug dreams I remember not at all detail wise, but I do remember some being good and some being scary. `C`said he could tell when they were bad because I would look terrified. He also said I looked like a rag doll flopping about on the table due to the Dr`s ministrations to get out the placenta and sew me back up. I remember none of this thankfully.

I woke up around 3pm in the recovery room seeing 5 of everything, unable to really process anything let alone hold the baby. But once I was more aware and sobered up I got to finally hold her and see her. PERFECTION. She was born on January 25th at 1:43pm weighing 7lbs exactly and measuring 19 inches. She was 2 weeks to ther day early. Today she turned 6 days.

Time for a feeding. Will write again tomorrow with details of the post delivery stay and whatnot.